Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
