I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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