Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
