I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
