Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
