Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
