Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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