She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he was CRYING into my vagina
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
