I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
