I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
