You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
