Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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