well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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