can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
