Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
that's an acceptable place to lick
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
