I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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