if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
