Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
