I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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