allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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