You just made me feel so damn special
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
