The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I cockslap morals
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize