You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
