I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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