Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize