my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
