last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
