lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
