She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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