Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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