then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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