just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
