So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
