i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My cat gives me a boner
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
