also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize