he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
