My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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