Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
