i may or may not be watching the land before time
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
