This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
