just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize