woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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