I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
