I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
