I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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