Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
