My underwear smells like fireworks.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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