i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
