somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
