Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
