At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
