1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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