I am spending my child support on dildos
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
