im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
