Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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