I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
